A few days ago, it dawned on me that I graduated high school five years ago. (Facebook memories lovingly decided to remind me of that fact.) A horrifying adult milestone I wasn’t ready for. Concurrent with the realization that it’s been five years, was the shock that this was the end of the five year plan I had written that year.
Between my senior year spring and my freshman year of college, I believe I rewrote my five year plan 87 times in 2019. All for assignments and never once for fun. But, I’ve been dwelling on the last five years lately, and I’ve decided I’m over the five year plan.
I understand the theory of the five year/ten year/life plan. It helps you align your goals and set yourself on the trajectory for success! But it only works if we exist inside a vaccuum where we are always perfect, the conditions are always perfect, and nothing ever goes exactly to plan.
Writing out my five year plan at eighteen was both really easy and the most difficult thing known to man. Back then, I figured I would go to college for musical theatre (check!), get my certificate in 2 years (hmm..), get an apartment with a dear friend in NYC during the final semester (......), and become a Broadway star (...about that)! (The Tony nomination was in the 10 year plan.) It all seemed so feasible when I was eighteen.
I always struggled with the action steps on the five year plan assignment. There was always the teacher that told us that we have to put the practical steps we’ll take each year to achieve these goals. I couldn’t see that. I could see college to apartment to broadway star.
I existed inside the vaccuum.
And, like everyone else, in 2020, it got ripped open.
The issue with the five year plan is that we cannot count on the improbable. I think of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park explaining chaos theory: tiny variations cause every outcome to be different even if we don’t intentionally change anything!
I had done everything correctly when I was eighteen, but it blew up the following year and with it went my five year plan.
Without getting too much into it, COVID spun me into a stage of burn-out and fear I never could’ve imagined. There was still the part of my brain that assumed when it would end, everything would get back on track. But it never did. I was forever changed. The torturous teachers and the constant zoom voice lessons and the life in LA and the sexuality crisis and the fight to get back to New York all broke the five year plan.
I am twenty-three.
I am not a Broadway star, and I feel no guilt.
Okay, I feel some guilt. I struggle to truly let go of my five year plan even though it’s up! I am a different person due to the nature of time and circumstance. I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to heal the guilt the girl inside of me is oozing into my bloodstream. The girl who would’ve died if she knew five years from now she wasn’t even singing any more. (Disclaimer: I still can sing, I just don’t because I get too sad.)
The crux of the matter is I don’t know if I would have found the joy I have now without the shattering of my five year plan. I don’t know if I would be in love or be in my apartment that I love so dearly or get to be working at the zoo for the second year in a row. Time passes and all we can do is make the best choice for ourselves in the moment.
It wasn’t on my five year plan that I wouldn’t be able to afford to audition. On my five year fantasy, it all worked out. I’ve never been one for practicality, but how could it not?
It wasn’t on my five year plan to live through a pandemic.
It wasn’t on my five year plan to live in LA.
It wasn’t on my five year plan to fall in love.
It wasn’t on my five year plan to have a youtube channel for books.
It wasn’t on my five year plan to work at the zoo.
None of it was on my five year plan: the good and the bad.
But, I love it. I love the life I have right now. I’ve done the best I can to make the best choices I can with the information I have. Every time.
And who knows? Maybe someday it will be Broadway stardom!
I’m finally in a place where I am able to sit down, assess my long term dreams and goals, and think about what is next. I don’t have a detailed five year plan, and I doubt I ever will again. I am freer without it! I can make choices that aren’t directly in service to the five year plan!!!!!!!! YES!!!!! But, I do know that the time will pass anyway and in five years, I’ll be 28 and rereading this.
I am putting things in my life to ensure that I am the happiest version of my self in five years time.
Because my new five year plan is as follows:
year 1: make fun choices, eat yummy snacks, listen to songs
year 2: have fun, love hard, live bravely
year 3: bask in the sun, dance in the street, enjoy ice cream
year 4: breathe deep, laugh loud, sing proud
year 5: be happy, be happy, be happy
Whatever happens will happen. One day at a time. I’m done trying to control it.
check in on me in five years,
katie
Ps: here's what ACTUALLY happened the last five years!
2019: graduated high school, went to AMDA for musical theatre, moved to NYC for the first time, made lifelong friends, bought my first bikini, and sang every single day.
2020: turned 19, went to a jimmy fallon taping, COVID hits, moved back to Clovis, learned to throw knives, read for fun again for the first time since middle school, started a youtube channel, sang every single day, transfered to AMDA LA for my BFA, zoom school, had great hobby/work balance
2021: big year! moved back to NYC for the spring semester, lived in a hotel, started learning guitar, my youtube channel became serious, had the best semester of my life, moved to LA in the summer, worked my first real job, bought a Disneyland Magic Key with it, sang every single day.
2022: turned 21, graduated BFA, moved into my first big girl apartment in LA, went to Disneyland all the time, fell in love, went to Star Wars Celebration, moved back to Clovis for the summer because LA was misery, taught voice lessons, learned piano, moved back to NYC into sublet, worked for Gymboree, stopped posting on youtube.
2023: started substitute teaching, moved into my first real apartment that I chose with my love, worked for central park zoo for the first time, became an AMC Stubs A-List member, visited all the NYC zoos and aquariums, went to Portland to celebrate my Zozo's wedding, got ordained, made life long friends
2024 (so far!): continued substitute teaching, accepted a new role at the school for the 2024-2025 school year, started writing a play, renewed my lease, saw hozier in concert, returned for my second summer at cpz, started a paleontology course for fun, and was happy.
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