in retrospect, i’ve always liked girls. when i was 8 years old and watched attack of the clones over and over, it was because i liked the plot! (natalie portman was the most beautiful woman i’d ever seen.) when i was a tween and cried my eyes out because my friend got her first boyfriend, it was because she’s my best friend and she won’t have time for me anymore. (i loved her.) when i was in my teens and never had a crush on a boy, it was because i was too focused on my future and my career! (i liked girls.)
when i realized i was a lesbian, it was much less dramatic than the movies implied it would be. it felt comforting. like a pair of jeans that fit just right. i tried on a lot of sexualities over the years. i told myself i was bi, ace, aro, and everything in between. but being a lesbian just fit! and i was good with it! i didn’t feel any shame or fear. it was warm and cozy and right. but, i didn’t feel this deep seated need for everyone to know.
i like to think myself a private person (although my close friend stories beg to differ). and to me, sexuality was just another piece of me to know and others to not really give a shit about. but there was constant pressure from the people that did know to “come out.”
i didn’t consider myself in the closet at that time. i wouldn’t deny it if anyone asked (and sometimes people would ask!) we’d get on the topic of dating or sexuality and i would tell them “i have a girlfriend and i am queer” (but in a more human way that doesn’t sound like a programmed response). but there was this need from others that i had to perform. that i was lying to people if i didn’t walk into a room with a “hello my name is LESBIAN” sticker.
i still don’t buy that narrative.
we live in a world of labels. occasionally on instagram, i’ll stumble on an account during my nightly stalking routine that has a bio with every detail of their psyche. their zodiac sign, job, area of study, hogwarts house, sexuality, mental illnesses, meyers-briggs results, enneagram, height, weight, social security number, etc. and it gives me pause. why share this much with others? what is there to gain from sharing the depths of your mind? the deepest parts of your heart?
we want to be known. we want to avoid conversations that might reveal this information. we want all our cards on the table so that when someone meets us, they’ll see all the things they’ll potentially hate about us and decide then if they actually want to know us.
i also find that in a world of labels and need to be known, there are preconceived notions about every one of the above attributes. when i share my zodiac sign, people always tell me that it makes perfect sense based on my behavior. i routinely feel like i don’t live up to my aquarian standards, so, therefore, the knownness is hollow. they know what i should be, not what i am.
i feel similarly about my sexuality. the world of labels is a world of stereotypes; although they deny it. just because i’m a lesbian doesn’t mean i am going to dress a certain way, wear my keys a certain way, drive a certain car and partake in certain hobbies. my experience with my sexuality is not universal, but it is expected to be. especially if i lead with it.
in this vein, i don’t believe that to be “out” is to be valid. you and your identity are valid no matter the circumstances: out, in, in-between, questioning, not quite there yet, and anything else you might be experiencing. and straight people are valid too. there’s nothing wrong with any identity or sexuality. we’re all wonderful and excellent the way we are.
there is always a debate about whether “straight” actors should play queer characters. and it’s never bothered me. queer friends of mine get all up in arms about the so-called straight actor cast as their gay baby from that book-turned-movie. “how do we know they’re straight?” i’ll ask. “because they aren’t out and proudly gay,” they’ll respond. “perhaps their sexuality is none of my business,” i’ll reason. “but it should be because they’re famous!” “even though there are so many actors who have come out only after playing a role exploring queerness written authentically and with care?”
we can’t expect queerness to continue to be a performance if we want it to remain authentic. in the desire for representation, we trip over ourselves because someone isn’t the right kind of gay to be in our view.
but what is the right kind of queer at all?
what makes our world so beautiful is that despite the millions of labels we assign to ourselves and others, we will never know what anyone is truly experiencing. authenticity is unique to all of us.
authentically, i don’t believe being a lesbian is my most interesting trait. it’s true! it’s a fact! i am! thanks for noticing! but it’s nowhere near the most interesting thing about me.
i am a living, breathing, ever evolving person who is terrified of the boxes and expectation strangers, friends, and enemies have for me. i’m a series of contradictory statements that make it hard for anyone to know me based on introducing myself as a lesbian.
i want to be known for so much more than that! i am a lesbian, and i’m someone who LOVES star wars. i’m an aquarius, and i don’t believe in it; i just know because i like memes. i have a bachelors degree in musical theatre, but i’m sick of auditioning and am writing instead. i’m an ENFP, and i’m very drained after being around people for so long. i’m a gryffindor, but i hate harry potter. i love to read a poem a day. my apps are all in the little search menu on the side because i hate having a cluttered home screen. i’m really short and have never wanted to be taller. i love to go outside on a walk! i’m trying hard to be on my phone less and less. my grandparents don’t know that i live with my girlfriend because i fear they will hate me and sometimes there are more important things than being “out.” if there’s a zoo nearby, i’m itching to visit and see the bears. i genuinely believe i could win any physical fight i got in. when i’m in an airplane, i can never ever sleep. i’m terrified of the ocean, but i really want to give every shark a gentle, little kiss. i’ve loved dinosaurs for as long as i can remember. i go to the movies every Sunday morning like it’s church. i really like girls; their lips are so soft and they’re much prettier than boys.
i am a lesbian. i contain multitudes.
happy pride. i hope you can find your own authenticity and not crave it from others.
authentically and proudly,
katie
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